


You'll find me in the region of the summer stars

by softylouis



Category: One Direction
Genre: ?? - Freeform, Angst, Canon, Fluffy, Happy, I wrote this in two days, Love, M/M, Somewhat canon actually, at all, no smut tho like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-11
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 02:41:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7740286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softylouis/pseuds/softylouis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry and Louis broke up at the end of 2013, got back together in 2014. A lot can happen in a few months<br/>I ran with that and kind of made it my own so let me know what you think for real<br/>Italics are flashbacks <br/>it's for my girls because spilling tea is our favourite hobby and god bless Harry Styles </p><p>Title from Walking in the wind</p><p>Disclaimer I don't own anyone or anything pure speculation here</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Louis let very few things get to him. After a few years in the spotlight, being scrutinized by everyone and their barber's friend's cousin, he learned to not take it personal and just brush it off. He couldn't do much about it: if he spoke up, he'd get called a spoiled brat, and if that didn't completely defeat the purpose. Instead he let it go, like water rolling off a duck's back, never getting under the feathers.

The very few times he'd let things really get to him, they made an indent that he could still identify very clearly to this day, even if they were from years and years ago. Like that time Stan had called some other boy from his class his best friend in fourth grade, and Louis had sulked for three full days before Stan made sure he knew he was his only best friend. Or that time his biological dad decided to pop up for a surprise visit when Louis was twelve, leaving a sour taste in his mouth as he recalled being introduced to his estranged half-sister. He felt bad, for not being with her like he was with his other half-siblings. But truth be told, he didn't feel the connection. He didn't feel like they were family, so he was cold and distant for the whole time they were there, only warming up as the rest of the girls came back from school and he could excuse himself from the utterly awful ambiance and make them a snack, chatting about their day at school and how much they loved this or that, and who did what to whom. His father had left shortly after, Louis barely managing a half-hearted smile and wave as the car pulled out of the driveway. Six and a half years passed before he saw that car again, and that time, when he waved goodbye, he knew it was for the last time.

When Mark and his mother decided to get a divorce, it shook him to the core. When they sat him down and explained the situation to him, explained how things were going to go and how Jay was going to get full custody of him because he was almost eighteen anyway and even though he had taken Mark's last name, the man still wasn't his father. He was a father figure, sure, and a great one at that, but he wasn't his father. Louis could remember himself being sat on a stool in the kitchen, his sisters all asleep in their respectful beds, blissfully unaware of the storm happening in the kitchen, in Louis' life, in his heart. He simply nodded along to what his mother and Mark had said, waited for them to be finished before he slipped on his shoes and shoved his keys in his back pocket, walking out of the house without a goodbye. He'd found his way over to Hannah's, and she came outside to sit with him in silence, not pressing him for any information. He truly loved her for that, even though, as he was going to find out later on, he wasn't in love with her.

There are a few different schools of thoughts when it comes to love. Some will say that everyone has a soulmate, somewhere out there. That this one person will complete them, will make the soar through the sky. Make them even better than they already are. When you find your soulmate, you settle for life. Like swallows. _Fucking swallows_ , Louis thought as he made his way through the kitchen, flicking the lights open as he passed the switch. It was still early in the morning, and he normally would still be asleep, a few more hours at the least, but he had promised his mum he'd be in Doncaster by noon, meaning he had to leave rather early. He'd done most of his packing the previous night, if stuffing some pants and shirts in a duffel bag could be considered packing. He figured that leaving amenities to this morning would be better, and his lazy self approved. Less packing-unpacking-repacking. He stifled a yawn as he settled the electric kettle under the faucet, filling it halfway before plugging it into the wall. He was definitely low on groceries, seeing as he knew he'd be gone for almost a week and didn't want anything to go bad during that time. Of course he could have asked the maid - Marget, bless her heart- to make sure everything was good to eat when he got back, but the woman was already doing so much for him, making sure he didn't live in complete filth, he thought it better to just give her that time off after her round today, seeing as he wouldn't be there to mess everything up.

He grabbed a mug from the cupboard, dropping a tea bag to the bottom of it before settling it beside the kettle. He knew he had some bread somewhere, so he pulled the peanut butter from the fridge before finding the remnants of said bread, slicing it up to toast it. he leaned back against the counter, allowing himself to go back to his train of thoughts from before the light had disturbed his peace. Those who believed in soulmates were completely delusional, for sure. Too optimistic, too positive to his liking. It wasn't true, not in the slightest. It wasn't even possible, considering there were what, eight billion people on earth? How could only one person be your happy ever after? It's plain stupid.

Others believed there were many soulmates, which made more sense. As a person grows older, they grow smarter and wiser. They change, be it from the people around them or the situations they're put in, the obstacles they have to bypass in order to find the will to wake up in the morning. So the needs change as well. So someone who might have been your soulmate at sixteen, might not be it at thirty years old, but someone else just might. That was a little more realistic in Louis' honest opinion. No one could be perfect for someone else, forever. But the mere thought of the word 'soulmate' made Louis want to retch, want to cut his ears off and eyes as well, so he couldn't hear or read about it anymore. He wanted the whole notion to disappear from the surface of the earth and to be forgotten. What was that fancy word everyone had been obsessed with at some point? Oblivion. Exactly. Some feared it, and Louis longed for it.

The one school that Louis adhered to was the thought that people always come into your life for a reason. If they were romantic or not, you made of them what you want. You have power over who you let in, and how much you show them. How much you allow them to know you, the core of who you are as a person. The more you let someone in, the more ammunition you give them. That's how Louis' come to see life: every time you meet someone new, you give them a gun. From then on, you decide on how many bullets you give them. You blindly trust strangers to keep you alive. Louis had given too many bullets to too many people, but he learned his lesson.

The one person he'd given the most bullet to was the one person he never thought capable of pulling the trigger. But he had been so, so wrong, and he could only stand by helplessly as he watched his life crumble around him, a life made of glass he used to think was bulletproof.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by the hiss of the kettle, and he shook his head, trying to get himself out of the depressing funk he was in, to no avail. Early mornings always had that effect on him, and he weirdly loved it. The fact that the rest of the world was asleep, on the brink of waking up and shaking itself awake. The peace he longed for in his head, knowing he had a long way to go before that storm settled, so he figured he might as well enjoy the world's quiet moments whenever he could. He poured the hot water into the mug, setting the kettle back on its stand as he went to fetch the milk from the fridge, pouring a dash in his tea and stirring it around with the tea bag. As he let it steep, he got the toasts and set them down right on the counter, pulling out a knife from the drawer and opening the peanut butter jar. He stirred the mixture to make sure the oils were all incorporated, and the scooped some onto the toasts. He finished that in a few moments, and took a bite off one of the toasts while taking the milk and peanut butter back to the fridge.

He finished breakfast in a flash, putting everything back the way it had been before he came downstairs and turned the lights off, making his way back upstairs and into the master bedroom. He had made that exact trail so many times before, he knew his way even in the dark, so he didn't even bother turning on the lights as he walked down the hall and into his bedroom. He turned them on once in the bathroom, walking straight to the shower, discarding his briefs on the way over. He let the hot water scratch at his skin, scraping away any bits of grime he might have gotten since he last showered the previous morning. He took his time under the stream, making a mental list of everything he needed to bring home. Half an hour later, he reluctantly turned the dial off and stepped out, snatching a towel from the rack and drying himself off. He chucked it in the hamper, along with his previously discarded briefs, and made his way back into his bedroom to check his phone for the first time since he woke up. There used to be a time when it'd be the first thing he'd check when he woke up, but lately he only checked it in times of absolute necessity. It was six fifty, meaning he had a half hour to leave before he would get behind schedule and annoy his mum, something he truly did not fancy.

His duffel bag laid pathetically at the end of his bed, waiting for more of his personal items to fill it with. He brushed his teeth and combed his hair, throwing a mousse in there like Lou had been pestering him to do for months, if not years, and zipped up his toiletry bag. He only needed his toothbrush and deodorant, seeing as he'd only be at his mum's, not in another boring hotel room. He decided on wearing something casual for the ride up north, hands finding a pair of black jeans and a loose hoodie that had definitely never belonged to him, even though it did in a way. He simply pulled those on and added a few pairs of briefs to the bag before zipping up. He turned the lights off in his bathroom, letting the pink light from the sun, who was poking out his nose, bask the room. He stopped at the door, taking in the state of the unmade bed and the clothes strewn around the room, and his heart clenched a little before he turned his back on the scene and went to the main floor.

He checked that all of the doors were properly locked on his way to the garage, dropping his bag in the back seat and setting his phone down in the cup holder. He returned to the kitchen, dropping a tea bag in a travel mug, pouring the remaining hot water from the kettle in it. He added a dash of milk before throwing the rest of it, the prospect of returning to a carton of spoiled milk not appealing in the slightest. He took one last look around the room, making sure everything was where it belonged before snatching the mug from the counter, fishing the bag out and dropping it into the bin. After one last round of checking up the locks, he went to the garage and settled behind the wheel of his car, clicking the garage door open and backing out of it before clicking it shut again. He turned the alarm system on from his phone and waited for it to be all set before he drove down his driveway to the street, and then on his way to the highway. He had a long drive ahead, and one too many thoughts to entertain him.


	2. Chapter 2

_"I will forever deny that, I hope you're aware," Louis informed as Harry made his way around the coffee table, doing what appears to be a victory dance. "That was a foul and the game was lagging and it was an actual issue happening right before our eyes, and we should be calling them and making a complain," He continued, eyes following Harry around the room. "And instead of being actually, genuinely concerned, you're prancing aro- humpf!" He groaned as Harry dropped down on his lap, smiling brightly._

 

   _"Admit it, you're just a sore loser and now you have to cook us dinner," the boy chuckled and wrapped both arms around Louis' neck to steady himself. "I won fair and square and you know it, grumpy," He leaned in to place a sound kiss on Louis' forehead._

_Louis didn't know what to reply to that, and so he simply smiled up at Harry, in that way that made his eyes all crinkly. Harry was unfortunately right: Louis was a sore loser, especially when it came down to a game of FIFA. He was the reigning king in the band, winning every single championship they'd had, whether it be in teams or solo. Louis always won. He lived for it, he had winning in his blood and victory tattooed on his heart. It was one of his favourite things. His actual ultimate favourite thing though, that was seeing Harry smile that goofy smile and seeing him do his stupid victory dance and cheering and laughing and everything about Harry. It was all his favourite things. So he may or may not have lost on purpose. Or he most definitely did. No one would ever get the truth out of him, and that was for the best._

_"Okay then, what do you fancy for dinner? Burnt pizza, or overcooked pasta?" He inquired playfully, pinching Harry's hips as the boy straddled him. "I personally fancy some Chinese food from the chines place down the block," He licked his lips and had to refrain from laughing at the look of pure anguish from Harry. "What is it doll?" He hummed, his pointer finger coming up to trace Harry's jaw and then his lips._

_Even after two years and some weeks, Louis couldn't get enough of looking at Harry and admiring him. He loved every single thing about his face, the way his jaw connected with his neck so softly yet giving out a sharp outline, giving Louis the perfect spot to leave little love bites, even though he shouldn't. He still did, every now and then. He loved his lips, how beautiful they looked on their own, and how perfectly they fit with his own when they met for a kiss. He was amazed by his eyes, their colour and the intensity behind them. He could convey so much emotions with just one look, make Louis' knees go weak and even give out as they met his own. Harry was a beautiful human being, not only looking like God had hand carved him personally to add all the most beautiful features and singularities that made him Harry, but also the actual human being. The soul inside of him, that moved him and that made all the right decisions at the right time. And if soulmates existed, Louis prayed to any and every god that Harry was his, and he was Harry's. Because to live a life without Harry would be like living without the sun._

     _"As appealing as Chinese sounds, you promised you'd make dinner. And I want to have a home cooked meal made by my boyfriend because I won our bet fair and square," He said quietly, allowing Louis' finger to travel around his face, tracing his feature. Harry truly was a work of art._

 

_"Okay fine. I'll make you dinner, but I can't promise you it'll be edible. Like at all. So you've been warned," He tapped his finger over Harry's nose and then reached down to pat his hips. "up you go, curly. I have to get to it if I wanna make my baby happy and have a somewhat decent meal to feed him with." With that, he watched Harry roll off him, and once free, he found his way to the kitchen. He opened the cupboards randomly, trying to figure out what he would make them. He landed on some chicken, and rice, which he knew how to do. He could also make them a green salad from all the vegetables Harry insisted on buying at the store, much to Louis' dismay. He always complained about it, claiming they would never use them, and normally Louis would leave them to rot in the fridge just to make a point, but the smile he would be getting from Harry as he'd realize Louis had used them would bypass any satisfaction the rotting veggies would have brought. Plus, it was something he could tell his mother in passing on their next phone call, and she'd be happy knowing he can actually manage for himself. Even if he still has Harry and has no intention of giving him up any time soon._

 

_He spent a while in the kitchen, pots and pans clinking together, but Harry somehow never made an apparition. He clearly wanted Louis to fend for himself, and as he looked down at the two plates he had just set down on the kitchen table, with spoonful of over seasoned rice and slightly burnt chicken (it was cooked all the way through, so Louis counted that one as a victory), a large bowl of way too much salad for just two people in the very middle of the setting, he felt a wave of relief and pride. He'd actually made dinner, without Harry loitering around, and had somewhat not set anything on fire. He settled two glasses of wine as well as a bottle on the table and discarded of his apron, smoothing his shirt down. "Love, dinner's ready," He called out and stood by the table, watching the door from where Harry was going to come in to see his reaction._

         _Harry came bouncing into the room, a bright smile on his face that kept getting bigger as the seconds passed, until Louis started to get genuinely worried he'd get hurt or freeze like that for the rest of his life. "Alright, alright. Enough, come and have a seat why don't you?" He pulled one of the chairs back, the one that had the nicest plate. "I also picked out a bottle of wine for us to enjoy," He added and pushed Harry and the chair under the table before sitting across from him. "So I made chicken with rice and a salad. Hope it's okay," He said nervously, unable to take a bite as he watched Harry try some of the warm food, his stomach churning as he waited for the final decision._

 

_Harry dragged it out for a bit, decidedly wanting to torture Louis and make him go completely mad. "It's really good," He finally announced, their feet connecting under the table. "I really, really liked it. I'm definitely gonna keep you around," he winked, and Louis felt the weight of the world being pulled off his shoulders._

_"Forever?" He asked playfully._

_"Forever," Harry promised._

 

 

            Louis tended to avoid thinking about things that lost their meaning over time, simply because he wasn't a masochist and torturing himself with things he had no control over seemed stupid. Most of the time he had great control over it, over where he steered his thoughts so they mostly stayed away from the rawer parts of his memory that he had no interest in rediscovering. Long drives used to mean time to talk and be alone. Now they meant hours of self-control and constant awareness of his thoughts just to not get in the wrong mind-set. Especially now, considering he was off to visit his family for the first time in weeks. Many tricks helped: music, the right kind. Little games too, like trying to count how many black or white or blue cars he crossed in a given period of time. He wasn't used to doing these trips alone, but he was managing. He had to, after all. It wasn't the first, it wasn't going to be the last either. But if he'd felt alone at all in the past couple months, this was the moment it all came crashing down. He truly was alone and had no one to turn to. No one in the passenger seat singing cheesy, corny love songs to the top of their lungs. No one holding his hand over the gear shift even as they slept for a while. No one to talk to about whatever random thought that crossed his mind, or the tour they were on break from, or the boy that Lottie was going to introduce to the family. It was taking time, but Louis was coming to terms with it, with the fact that it wasn't part of his life anymore, part of his reality.

 

            He made it to his mother's house just before noon, pulling up in the drive way and parking his car behind hers. If she had to get out she could always use Louis' car, or he'd more likely go in her stead because he wanted her to keep him busy. This was what this week was about: keeping himself so busy he barely had any time to think, or to wallow in self-pity like he had for the past couple of weeks. On tour it had been kind of an on and off thing. He had to put up a front, a facade, and he was good at it. He spent so much time building up his walls and turning the attention away from himself, that he barely had any time to be sad. Of course he still had his moments, time where no one was looking and he allowed himself to be vulnerable, if only for a few minutes, getting a good cry out before wiping his eyes and moving on to the next issue that needed to be dealt with. Distractions were abundant and never-ending. But they'd been on break for a week now and Louis was ready to crawl out of his skin. He'd spent a whole week in his house, filtering through things here and there but never fully committing to it because that would be admitting defeat. And Louis never admitted defeat. Even if he really, really wanted to. He wouldn't, because he still held on to the hope that _one day_ , things might go right again. Maybe one day the world will stop spinning out of control and find its axis, and then Louis will be able to pick up the pieces. But as he spins, trying to find his balance is as pointless as screaming for help when you're underwater, drowning. Both felt really similar anyway.

 

            Louis turned off the ignition and spared a glance at the home he was parked in front of. He'd bought it for his mum and Dan, and they really had made it their own, which he was really happy about. It wasn't the one he had grown up in, but it was most definitely home, and that's what's he needed the most. He slipped out of the car, sliding his phone in his back pocket and fetching the travel mug, as well as his duffel bag from the backseat. He hitched it over his shoulder and walked up to the door, trying to decide if he should knock or just grab his key from his set and unlock it. He decided against knocking, figuring someone could still be asleep, and instead pushed the door open quietly, sneaking his way inside. He dropped his bag by the stairs and tiptoed his way to the kitchen, smiling as the voices grew louder, and the buzz of energy reached him down to his spine. He could hear Lottie and Fizzy discussing school, Daisy and Phoebe focused on their cartoons while Jay fixed up some lunch for everyone. Dan must be at work at this hour, which was fine with Louis. He liked the guy, he really did. But he was looking forward to spending time with just his girls.

 

            "So, do I get a hug?" He asked candidly, making his way into the large kitchen, setting his travel mug into the sink to be washed later on. Not two seconds later, he had a mouthful of blonde hair, and smiled as he hugged his sister back. "I'm happy to see you too, Daisy," He chuckled and kissed the top of her head, before moving on to her twin. Next were Lottie and Fizzy, a little calmer than the twins had been. He then finally landed in his mother's arms, and he could feel the tears well up in his eyes at the tight embrace he had missed so much. But mostly, he wanted to cry because at some point in time, without his approval, another pair of arms had become his home. And now he longed for those he couldn't have anymore.

 

            He took a deep breath before pulling away and offering her a shaky, weak smile. "I'm fine," He promised. "Just overwhelmed and everything. I swear to god I'm okay," He assured and kissed her cheek. "I'm here to spend time with you guys and have the best time until I get back home and then back on the road for the other end of the tour," he ran a hand through his hair. The last thing he wanted to do right now was sit down and discuss his obvious heartbreak, amongst all of his mother's concerns ("Love you've been getting awfully thin" or "I feel like you're really pale and I don't like it," or even better, "I can tell you're sad and I hate seeing my baby sad"). Right now he needed to be a busy bee. No better way to start that than...

 

            "Alright, who wants to go shopping? My treat," He smiled at his sisters, and four hands shot up high in the sky, and before he could say anything else, they were off making lists of what they needed to buy. He would rack up quite the credit card bill, but he didn't mind, if it was going to make his sisters happy.

 

            "You know they're going to ruin you if you keep offering them shopping trips like that," Jay said casually as the girls slowly filtered out of the kitchen to go get ready in their rooms. Louis shrugged and sat down on one of the stools at the counter, leaning forward on his elbows and peering at what she was making. "Smells really good. I'm starved," He declared, smiling at her in a way he hoped was reassuring.

 

            "We're going to talk about it, Louis. One way or another, whether you like it or not. I'm not going to sit by idly and watch my son practically disappear in front of my eyes, alright?" She warned him in that caring tone only mothers seemed to master. "Yes mum. Just... Not now. Not right now. I need a distraction. I need to be kept busy, you know? Because if I don't, if I just sit down and let reality catch up to me... I fear I'm going to drown," He said quietly, lowering his voice in case one of his sisters were loitering around the door, unseen. He knows eavesdropping was one of his favourite past times at their age, so he wouldn't hold it against them. Just didn't fancy having to explain that the pressure of life got too much and that sometimes, love just isn't enough. And if that doesn't break anyone's heart, then they've never known love like Louis has. Now he's left to pick up the pieces and he hasn't gotten a bloody instructions manual on how to put himself back together. So he's going in blind.

 

            He spends the afternoon at the mall with his sisters, buying them whatever they desire within their respective £200 limit, because really, if he doesn't set a limit then they'll truly suck him dry. He even lets Lottie drive on the way home, and he's kind of impressed by how well she's doing. By the time they get home he promises to take her out driving more often this week so she can practice more and have a chance at passing her license test in a few weeks.

 

            He sends everyone inside and has them clean up while he makes his way to the kitchen to be greeted with the sight of Jay and Dan in the middle of the kitchen, dancing gently to the song playing on the radio. Part of him is delighted, to see his mother look so bashful and young and in love, to the point where her cheeks are rosy, and her movements are that little much softer and her eyes that little bit brighter.

 

            The other part of him wants to crawl into his bed upstairs, and curl up under the blankets for ages, for as long as it takes for the dull ache in his heart to subside, for the feeling of emptiness to leave. To feel whole again, even if he's alone.

 

 

_They kept swirling, swirling and swirling and Louis feels dizzy. Feels like he's going to be so sick, but the only sickness truly affecting him right now is love. Harry keeps spinning him around like he's a ballerina and Louis can barely hear the sound of the music over the swish of the wind in his ears and the laughter bubbling from their throats. He finally lands against Harry's chest, and he has to clutch onto him tightly as he regains his balance, not wanting to stumble down and make a fool of himself, giving Harry the possibility of making fun of him. No way._

_"You're ridiculous, you know that right?" He giggles as he catches his breath, and the room stops spinning, slowly but surely. He loves this, when Harry just grabs him and they dance, they dance until they can't anymore, until their feet hurt and their throat are sore from laughing, they dance until the outside world doesn't exist and they're just Harry and Louis. Two boys who found an extraordinary love and grasped onto it because they knew it was unique. One of a kind._

_That night, as they lay in bed, Louis listens to Harry's breathing, slow and steady with the occasional jumpy snore. He watched him sleep and tries his hardest to not notice the distance growing between them. The wedge their careers are digging. They might have been inches away in bed, but Louis felt miles away, pushing further away every single day, until there was a world contained in a few inches. They both forgot how to reach out._


	3. Chapter 3

            Over the next few days, Louis spends so much time with him family running from one place to another, that at night he has no energy to do anything but to climb in bed and shut his eyes. He's somehow managed to avoid looking at his phone, turning it completely off and shoving it in his bedside table, only to be retrieved when he's set to leave in the morning. He spent most of the day in the park with the twins playing football, and as soon as they got home they all curled up together on the couch for a nap until dinner time. Jay is the one to wake them up carefully, running her fingers through their hair gently as they wake up from the deep slumber. Louis gets the twins to go wash up in the kitchen and he follows them after folding the blanket they'd been sleeping under.

 

            As he makes his way to his usual seat, Lottie grabs him by the arm and tugs him back gently. "I just wanted to tell you that you can talk to me, yeah? I know I'm not... I know we don't see each other as much but I'm always here to talk if you need it," She said softly before releasing him and going to take her seat beside Fizzy on the other side of the table. Louis feels a surge of love and gratitude toward his sister, who had been mindful enough to leave it be until the last night, allowing Louis a chance to clear his head and do things other than mope. He smiled warmly at her as he sat down at the table, and that seems to set everyone else in motion. Sooner rather than later the plates are being passed around and loud conversations are being heard left and right, and Louis' missed this. He missed being surrounded by his family, his very loud family, and he's missed the atmosphere of it all. _Maybe, just maybe, time will heal,_ He thought.

 

            He tries to hide his amusement as his mother declares the twins on dishes duty, and himself, Jay and Dan make their way on the back porch to have their tea in peace. Lottie had already disappeared to her boyfriend's and Fizzy was going to meet up with some friends at the cinema. "I like him; Tommy is it? He's a nice lad," He told his mum as he sat down on one of the lounge chairs. He sips his tea as they sit quietly for a bit.

 

            "Lottie's been missing you, a whole lot more than she used to. And she's been meaning to ask but didn't want to bother you. But she wanted to see if she could come on tour with you," Jay spoke up after a few minutes. "I think it'd be good for her. She'd get to see some of the world and spend time with you. And you'd have your sister there with you. There for you," She added sheepishly and Louis sighed, knowing exactly where she was heading.

 

            "Of course she can come with on tour. I think she'll really like the life on the road, and she can hang out with Lou and the rest of the girls and the crew. It'd be good for her, definitely. As for me, I'm fine, mum." He licked his lips as he glanced down at his mug. Putting his thoughts and feelings into words is most probably the hardest thing he's ever had to do, besides writing songs. "I feel so bad; you know? Like every single ounce of my body is hurting and I just... I don't know how to deal with that exactly. I wish there were a way for me to erase it all. Forget about everything that's ever had anything to do with him but at the same time, I don't want that. I want to remember because no matter how empty I'm feeling right now, I used to feel complete. Whole and happy and I refuse to let go of that," He explained slowly. He spared a glance toward his mum and Dan, and felt relieved that they were looking at him intently, waiting for him to continue without rushing.

 

            "I felt numb for a while. I just refused to acknowledge the pain because if I did then it meant it was real. And I didn't want it to be real. I didn't want him to be just a bandmate, not even a friend like the other boys. Someone whom I work with but share no other connections with. That terrified me to no end. I knew the boys could tell but I wasn't ready to talk about it. I'm still not, and I doubt I ever will be ready to talk about exactly what happened. We broke each other's hearts, and we're both to blame. It was a mutual thing.

 

            "But now I feel better. Having spent time here with you guys and the girls, I feel refreshed. Also Lottie's going to come on tour with us which is going to be awesome for her. So I can't say I'm fine. I can't promise you I'll be fine for a really long time. But I'm going to be, at some point. Whether I realize it or not," He said softly and drank some more tea.

 

 

            _It had been a bad idea: going out with Liam and Niall after the concert had been what most probably was the absolutely worse idea he had ever had. He'd taken a few too many shots of tequila, licking salt off the neck of this blonde girl that had somehow made her way into the VIP area (most likely bought her way in but hey, Louis wasn't judging how she decided to spend her hard earned money). Niall had his eyes on her, and Louis sure as hell wouldn't be surprised to see her at breakfast the next morning, grabbing a bit before going on her merry way, a NDA signed and tucked away in Niall's bag. They made their way back to the hotel at around two in the morning, the high from the show having significantly gone down. Louis just wanted to go back to his and Harry's hotel room and cuddle._

_Convincing Alberto to make a stop at McDonalds on the way back had been way too easy, but he wasn't about to complain. He simply ordered his egg McMuffin and a glass of orange juice before settling into the back seat of the car, munching on his meal happily. Harry would chastise him for it, for sure, but it tasted way too good and Louis was too drunk to care._

_Talking about Harry, he hadn't replied to Louis' text about coming home as he usually did, so Louis figured he was asleep. He needed to be extra careful not to wake the other boy up because he would get grumpy and Louis hated to see the frown on Harry's face._

_Things between them had been... Okay. They weren't over the moon, and they clearly had issues they still had to talk about and deal with before they could get back to how they used to be. But as far as Louis was concerned, they were doing alright. Every couple had those rough patches, and the vast majority of them made it out alive, together and stronger than before. He was going to talk to Harry in the morning. But first: sleep._

_Making his way up the lift and down the hall to his room proved to be slightly more complicated than he'd previously anticipated. "I'm fine," He mumbled to Alberto as he shuffled down the dimly lit hallway, reaching into his back pocket for his room key. He grinned brightly as his fingers closed around it and it only took three tries to get it through the slit of the door. "Night, Al!" He whisper-yelled and slipped inside the room, shutting the door quietly to not wake Harry. He toed his shoes off and walked deeper into the room, frowning as he saw a bedside lamp still on, and -oh._

_"Hey," He hummed and climbed on the bed to go and cuddle Harry, wanting nothing more than to bury his face in his neck, which is exactly what he did. "Missed you tonight. Wish you'd come with us. It was a lot of fun," He added and squeezed him closer, trying to ignore the stiffness of Harry's body._

_"Louis, I'm gonna go and sleep in Zayn's room tonight," Harry said quietly, and Louis felt his heart sink as he pulled away to look at Harry, hoping he could find the disguised mirth in his eyes, a tell-tale sign that Harry was pulling a prank. The alcohol was more than likely clouding both his judgment and his sight._

_"You're not going anywhere. We've got to cuddle," Louis pouted and Harry shook his head. "No you don't... fuck. You don't get it. I can't be with you right now," He said and shuffled to the side to create some distance between the two. And if Louis had been drunk two minutes ago, he never felt soberer than he did right then._

_"What the hell are you talking about, Harry? Look I know... I know things have been shit lately. I know that but we can make it better. Right? We can talk things out and we'll be all better and we can go back to being happy," He promised._

_"That's the thing, Louis. There's nothing to talk about anymore. I don't... I don't feel the spark that I used to feel when I looked at you. And we got together when I was still so young and I feel like I'm missing out on so much by being tied down," He exhaled. Just by looking at him, his demeanour and the way he wouldn't look Louis in the eyes, it was clear he'd thought this through._

        _"You're fucking joking right? Am I... Are you saying I'm holding you back?" Louis croaked and ran a hand through his sweaty hair. This couldn't be happening. This was just a bad dream. Harry would never, ever give up on them. "You fucking promised me forever, Harry! You promised me! How can you do this to me?" He shook his head and tried to bite down on his wobbling bottom lip. "You promised me a forever and now you're taking it back and you shouldn't be allowed to do that. Why are you doing that? Is it because I've been going out a bit more often lately? Because I can stop, I swear I can. I'll stop drinking and I'll stop smoking and I'll spend all of my free time with you and -" He had to stop himself, short of breath._

_Harry looked pained, but Louis couldn't care less. This boy was crushing his heart right then and there in front of him, and he couldn't breathe anymore. He felt like he was drowning and Harry was the only life saver, but he just kept drifting away._

_"I'm really sorry Louis but I just... I can't do this anymore. I'm not happy. And I want to be. I want you to be happy too which is why I'm doing this. I love you, god I love you so much... But I can't keep living like this. Like I'm sharing my life with a complete stranger. It can't go on. I need to see what else is out there for me. I'm sorry," He apologized and got to his feet, grabbing the bag Louis hadn't notice at the foot of the bed. "I arranged for you to get the single bedrooms for the next few hotels. Zayn doesn't mind me crashing with him. I'll see you tomorrow at sound check," He added and hefted the bag on his shoulder, ready to go. But Louis wasn't ready to let him leave just yet._

_"That's bullshit and you know it. If you truly loved me, if you genuinely did, you would be sticking around. You'd be staying here in our bed and we'd go to sleep and then in the morning we could talk about absolutely everything and make things right! If you did love me, leaving wouldn't be a fucking option," He spat and got to his feet, standing in front of Harry. He was always a few inches shorter than Harry, and he had to tip his chin up in order to look into Harry's eyes. "Tell me you don't love me anymore. fucking tell me," he raised one of his arms to push at Harry's chest, hoping to get a reaction out of him. "Fucking tell me! Look me in the eye and say you don't love me anymore!" He repeated, voice rising._

_That's when Louis' world came crashing down around him._

         _"I don't love you anymore," Harry said stiffly, eyes locked into Louis'. "I haven't loved you in a long time and I'm unhappy. We're over," He added and Louis felt his throat constrict. He wanted to fight, he wanted to argue and have Harry admit it wasn't true. That he loved him still, and forever was still their thing. He just couldn't. He loved harry, too much maybe. He adored him. Wanted him to be happy. So instead of picking up a fight, he looked into Harry's cold eyes for a few more moments, and then finally stepped aside to let him through, not even bothering to hide the tears that were rolling down his cheeks._

_Harry looked like he wanted to say or do something, but caught himself quickly and tightened his grip on his bag, walking away from Louis and from everything they'd built. Louis felt sick as he heard the door shut behind Harry, meaning he was truly gone. He stood there for a while, maybe a few minutes, stunned into place before his arms started moving and he was throwing whatever he could grab against the wall, positively trashing the room. He got everything, every little object he could throw and have break, before he climbed into the bed and curled up into the blanket, crying himself to sleep._  

 

            He stays in companionable silence with his mum and Dan for a little while before his mother speaks up again. "I'm pregnant," She announces, and a look Dan's way informs Louis he already knew. He takes a deep breath and plasters a bright smile on his face, turning to her. "I'm really happy for you, mum. Really, really happy. And Dan, you're gonna make an amazing father," He adds and gets up to go shake his hand, and finally landing in his mother's arms. "You're going to do amazing, again. And there better be a little boy cooking in there or I'm gonna be upset," He teased and kissed her forehead. "I'm gonna go get the twins ready for bed. I'll see you guys later and if not, well, good night. Congratulations," He smiled and kissed her cheek before taking his mug of tea inside and back to the sink to be washed up in the morning.

 

            The twins are easy enough to get ready for bed, and they all settle in his room to watch a movie before it's time for them to go to their own beds. As he's closing the door to Daisy's room, he sees Lottie coming up the stairs with a lovesick look on her face, and for a fleeting second, he's jealous of his little sister who gets to experience her first love freely. "Hey Lots?" He asked before she steps into her room. She looked up at him with an eyebrow raised, and Louis smiled gently. "You better start deciding what you wanna bring on tour, because the second you're done with your last exam, I'm getting you on a plane." He winked and he suddenly has an armful of Lottie. "I'm glad you're excited about this," He chuckled and hugged her tightly. "But you have to ace your exams, love. That's what matters right now okay? School is your priority. At least until you get to UNI. You can decide not to go but at the very least get the possibility."

 

            They chat for a little bit longer before Louis excuses himself to bed, the whole evening having been more than enough emotionally draining for a lifetime. He washed up quickly and climbed into bed, curling up under the blankets and turning the lights off. Tomorrow he'd turn his phone on, before he had to drive back to London. For now he relished the last bits of peace he had.


	4. Chapter 4

            Leaving his phone off and in his bedside table for nearly a week is probably not the best idea Louis' ever had. He needed the time off most definitely. But he can't help the cringing as all the notifications filter in, from the most random ones to the ones he knew he should have been replying to a lot sooner.

 

            He has a bunch of Instagram and twitter ones, that he looks at fleetingly, focusing on the text messages. There are a few from Liam, two from Niall, and a handful from Zayn. They were probably all just checking on him, and Louis hated that the only reason his friends were reaching out was to make sure his breakup hadn't gotten the best of him now that he was alone for a little while. He decided to reply to the work related emails first, to get those out of the way. Next up he opened up the messaged from Niall, asking him how he's doing and if he'd like to come over for dinner and beers one night. Louis types a quick reply, apologizing for taking so long to reply, and promises to make it up to him.

 

            He then moves on to Zayn, and he sends small replies to let him know he's doing good, and had to log off for a little while. It doesn't take long for Zayn to reply to that, assuring him that everything's okay and that he completely understood. Zayn was probably the one who got him the most, understood his need for privacy. The desire to separate the two worlds entirely in order to keep a semblance of sanity.

 

            Last one is Liam, and Louis' cooking up a reply as he reads over the texts, until he gets to the last one. ' _Call me'._ And okay yeah, that's clear enough right? And they rarely rely on phone calls lately, either preferring to meet up whenever they want to talk out loud to the other one. Louis decides to leave the phone call for the road to give him something to focus on aside from his own torturing thoughts.

 

            Packing up his things from his mum's is harder than usual, because this time not only do they not want him to leave, but he doesn't want to either. It's not that he gets sick of them the rest of the times. It's just that he used to have a home to go back to the last times. But not this time around.

 

            The twins help him load his car and he hugs them both, promising to get them in to see the last shows the band would play in Manchester at the end of the summer. He hugs Fizzy tightly, and then Lottie, with promises to see each other. He shakes Dan's hand and then finally lands in his mother's arms. "Don't be a stranger," she muttered into his ear and Louis hummed softly. "I wouldn't dream of it, mum. I promise I'll be back sooner rather than later. Thank you for everything this week. Really. I needed this," He squeezed her again before finally letting go. He smiled at the rest of the family that is stood beside his car and climbs in behind the wheel, dropping his phone into the cup holder before fastening his seat belt.

 

            "See you guys," He smiled and started the car, putting it in reverse and pulling out of the driveway. He waits until he's on the highway to finally call Liam, putting him through the Bluetooth device. He listened to a few rings until the other boy picked up. "Louis! Bloody hell what happened to you?! Why haven't you been answering my texts?" He shrieked and Louis can't help but snort at that.

 

            "Well, hello to you too Liam. Yeah I'm good, thanks for asking. How about you? Had a nice break? I did. I went to visit my mother and sisters in Donny, had a blast. Turned my phone off as well which was a pretty good decision. I'm currently on my way back home." He retorted as he settled on cruise control in the middle lane of the highway, very few cars in sight.

 

            "Okay. Alright. I'm glad you went to see them. I was just so worried, you wouldn't answer my calls or my texts and I kind of freaked out. Sorry," Liam has the decency to sound sheepish, and Louis indulges him.  "Was there anything you wanted to talk about in particular?" He asked after a few moments of silence. "Or were you just worried I had died in a ditch?"

 

            "I just wanted to see how you were doing," Liam said quickly, and Louis rolled his eyes. "Seriously? What is it, Liam? Just tell me before I start imagining the worst possible scenarios," he insisted and he heard Liam sigh.

 

            "You and Harry need to talk. He needs to talk to you, actually. And he's been asking me and the guys nonstop if we know where you are because he dropped by your house a few days ago and you weren't there." He admitted and Louis felt his heart clench. He took a deep breath, inhaling through his nose and exhaling through his mouth.

 

            "Well. I don't want to talk to him, and I think I made it pretty clear. it's been a few weeks and now he suddenly needs to talk to me? No thank you. I'm not doing that to myself." He shook his head, even though Liam couldn't see.

 

            "Alright I'll let him know. I'll see you soon though, right? Back on the road on Monday. Pretty exciting stuff," He added, trying to diffuse the tension, but Louis was having none of it.

 

            "See you," He mumbled before hanging up and picking out a playlist on his phone to listen to, trying to make sense of the nerve Harry was showing, actually showing up at his house without being invited, or even announcing it before. It was a damn good thing Louis hadn't been there.

 

            He couldn't help but wonder what it was that Harry wanted to talk to him about, considering they hadn't said more than a sentence to each other ever since the break-up.

 

 

          _Waking up in the morning was probably the hardest thing Louis had to do. His head was pounding, and he was painfully aware of the empty space beside him. Of the coldness of the cotton sheets he was lying in. Of the lack of brown hair in his face._

 

_Somehow, some way, he manages to roll out of bed and go into the bathroom. He bypasses the mirror and grabs the Advil from his bag, throwing two back in his throat, leaning down to drink some water straight from the tap to get them down. He strips out of his briefs and slips into the shower, trying to ignore the blatant absence of the strawberry scented soap beside his own. He gets through his morning routine by rote, stopping himself from thinking about anything, really. He shoves most of his things into a duffel bag, seeing as they were moving places today, and he checks the rest of the hotel room before grabbing his phone from the bedside table. He doesn't even look at it, simply slips a pair of sunglasses on his eyes as he walks out of the room to go for breakfast. If anyone asked, he could easily say it was because of the hangover. But truth be told, He didn't fancy anyone seeing his blotchy red eyes that felt awfully puffy._

_He made his way downstairs to the room where they were to have breakfast, and he got a cup of tea before going to sit down at an empty table in the back, scanning the room slowly. He spotted Harry sat at a table with some of their sound crew, smiling and laughing as if nothing happened. As if he hadn't broken Louis' heart not six hours ago._

_"You okay?" Zayn asked quietly as he sat down beside him, making Louis jump slightly. He licked his lips and tried swallowing the lump in his throat, to no avail. He took a deep breath instead, and shook his head lightly. he kept his hands cupped around the mug of tea he had barely drank from. "You wanna take over Bus 1 with me? We can hang out. Watch movies in the back room yeah?" He added and Louis felt a surge of love for the other boy. He was trying to help, to ease Louis' pain. Offer a distraction, and Louis wasn't going to turn that away._

_"Yeah, okay. Just hum. I'm gonna go get my bag from my room and I'll meet you in the bus," He croaked and got to his feet, leaving his untouched mug on the table. He knew he'd be sick if he ingested anything, so he'd rather not. He made his way back to his room quickly, ignoring Niall when he called out for him in the hallway, slipping into the room and closing the door soundly beside him. He reached out for his bag, but a second later he found himself rushing to the bathroom, curling up over the toilet and retching whatever he had left inside his stomach. Trying to rid himself of whatever was happening inside of him._

_He stayed like that for about five minutes before straightening up and getting his toothbrush to brush his teeth thoroughly. He ran a hand through his hair, looking at himself in the mirror. He looks awful, dressed in too baggy clothes and he feels tired. Like he could sleep for an entire lifetime still._

_He meets Zayn at the bus fifteen minutes later, having made sure he wasn't forgetting anything in the room before they moved on to the next hotel, the next town. He's thankful for Zayn not asking questions as they settle in the bus, and Louis asks him to get a few of his things from the other bus. He had no plans on going back to it. He just sits by on the bus, waiting for Zayn to return. When he does, Louis just claims one of the empty bunks and drops his things in it before they make their way to the back room together, shutting the door. If Zayn produces a little bag of weed from his secret hiding spot, then they both take advantage of it. Louis thanks the heavens above for bringing Zayn in his life, giving him a best friend to turn to when his other one extracts himself from his life._

 

 

            When Louis gets to London, his house feels eerily quiet. Awfully so, and he has to turn the telly on to have some background noise while he flickers through his mail. He's just done putting everything away when the doorbell is rung, and his heart stops for a second. Harry wouldn't dare coming back now, would he?

 

            His question is answered quickly enough when he opens the door to see a man holding up a beautiful bouquet of flowers. "Hi?" he raised an eyebrow. "I think you have the wrong house, mate," He shook his head.

 

            "Pretty sure this is right. Flowers for Tomlinson," the man retorts and Louis feel a bit queasy. "Uh okay? Do I need to sign anything or...?" He asks, eyeing the card stuck inside the flowers. The man shakes his head, simply shoving the flowers into Louis' hands before taking off back to his van. Okay then, that was...

 

            Louis heads back inside and shuts the door behind, furrowing his eyebrows as he sets them down on the counter and snatches the card from the flowers, ripping the envelope open and pulling out the note.

 

            Right there, in the very middle of an off-white card, written in Harry's clean handwriting, the one he saves for fancy things, are three simple words. _'I'm really sorry_.' Louis feels like he's going to be sick. He grabs the flowers, and he kind of feels bad, but he can't keep them. He can't have those sitting on his counter, mocking him for the next three days he still had home before tour picked up again. He makes his way outside and dumps them in the garbage bin, not sparing a last glance as he returns inside to get rid of the note. He needs to get better, and getting flowers from Harry are most definitely not going to help him move on.

 

 

            He spent the next couple of days doing laundry and tidying up the house, making sure he wouldn't forget anything before they made their way across the pond. The flowers and the note were still at the forefront of his mind, not that he would ever admit it. What did Harry even have to be sorry about? They'd broken up weeks ago. If not months. He hadn't exactly kept track of the time. All he knew was, it felt like a lifetime, and it felt too late for half-arsed apologies sent on a card with a stupid flower arrangement that was totally impersonal. All he wanted was to be left alone to cure his broken heart, and to find a way to find the pieces of himself he'd lost in Harry. Because he would be damned if Harry ruined him forever. He'd taken long enough to mourn the relationship, and now he had to move on. Grow up and get passed it.

 

            That was the mind-set he was in when he locked up his house and got into the car that was taking him to the airport for their flight out to the US. He knew Liam and Zayn were already at the airport, and that Harry was already in LA. Niall would either come with them on this flight or get a commercial flight later that day.

 

            When he got to the airport and to their plane, Zayn was already sat in his seat, reading a book, while Liam chatted with the air stewardess. Louis greeted them and went to the front to shake hands with the pilots before going back to the cabin. He sat across from Zayn and pulled his headphones out to have something to entertain himself during the flight, and mainly until he fell asleep. He took them off for take-off, and he was about to pull them back on when Liam tapped his shoulder.

 

            "I just wanted to let you know, I told him many times that the flowers were a bad idea," he informed and Louis smiled tightly. "Yeah, it was. A shit idea. And it's a tad bit too late to apologize now. I couldn't care less about what he has to say." He said sharply. "I'm moving on now and so should he."

 

            Louis tried to ignore the pained look on Liam's face, and pulled his headphones back on his head, turning the volume of his music up. He was not going to talk about this. He was moving on now, which meant not talking about the past anymore.

 

            Louis fell asleep soon after, praying that the next few weeks would go easy, and then Lottie would be there. And maybe then he'd be able to breathe  little easier.


	5. Chapter 5

            The second that they step off the plane, they get ushered into black cars waiting for them on the tarmac to bring them to the hotel. Louis greets Alberto, who had flown in earlier to get the security set up for them, and together they got into one of the cars, Louis asking about his family and what he'd done during the break. He listens to the man while looking out the window of the moving car, taking in the warm glow of Los Angeles.

 

            He was given a single bedroom, much to his relief. He loved the boys but he needed to be alone, to have his own space. They had rehearsal the following morning, and a show the next day, for three days straight. It wasn't often you got to play the Staples Centre, and sell out for three days straight.

 

            He split up from Alberto at his room, promising to call him if he needed anything before slipping inside his single room. He dropped his bag beside the bed and was about to climb on it to have a quick nap when he noticed the flowers on the coffee table on the right, a card similar to the one that had come with the previous arrangement. He felt his blood recoil as he stepped closer, snatching the note up, opening the envelope and being met with the same three words as a few days ago. He took a few deep breaths before he went to the bedside table, snatching the phone and calling up Alberto's room. "Hey. I just need to know what room Harry's staying in," He asked slowly.

 

            "He's 1503, three doors down from you," Alberto informed after a moment, probably checking his notepad. "Alright thank you," Louis hung up, not particularly eager to explain why he needed to know that. It was never explicitly said, at least not on Louis' part, but everyone seemed to know they weren't together anymore, and those who may not have known exactly, knew better than to ask him. So he was left unbothered most of the time, but asking for that kind of information might raise a few eyebrows.

 

            Louis picked the flowers up, and felt kind of bad because someone had clearly put a lot of work into it and it was a beautiful bouquet, but what they meant was too much for him.

 

            He slipped out of his room, making sure he had his key with him before going over to Harry's room, knocking on the door loudly. He was not going to be ignored, especially not by Harry after the stunts he'd pulled in the past week. There wasn't anyone in the brightly lit hallway, and Louis knew they had the whole floor to themselves, no fans having the possibility to get a room on it, and therefore no access. No one to take pictures or recount stories of hook ups and other things happening. Like Louis getting ready to throw flowers at Harry's face.

 

            He heard the handle before anything else, and braced himself to see Harry for the first time face to face, sort of alone, for weeks.

 

            "Yes? Oh. Hi," Harry breathed out and opened the door a tad bit more at the sight of Louis in the hallway. "I see you got my flowers," he added as he glanced at the bouquet in Louis' hands.

 

            "Yeah I did. And I don't appreciate it one bit, so you can keep them," Louis snapped and threw the flowers down at Harry's feet in an awfully petty move. But that was all he could think of. "It's too late for you to be sorry. You don't get to just cut me out of your life, and then apologize when it's convenient to you. It doesn't work like that." He shook his head. "So from now on, you keep your stupid ass flowers to yourself, and your pathetic notes as well. It's too fucking late to be sorry for breaking my heart. You should have done that weeks ago but no. You didn't." He took a deep breath and dropped the note down on the floor with the flowers.

 

            "That's not what I'm saying sorry for," Harry said, obviously trying not to show the hurt he was feeling at Louis throwing the flowers on the ground. "Do you want to come in? I was just making myself some tea." He swallowed thickly and took a step to the side, pushing the flowers with his foot to clear a path for Louis.

 

            And sanity be damned, he wanted to know what the hell Harry was sorry for. This was most probably the closure he needed to get over Harry. He nods sharply and steps inside the hotel room, trying not to let it get to him that now they don't even share rooms anymore. They have separate rooms, separate spaces. Separate lives.

 

            "Just make it quick, I'm really not in the mood and I'm tired and I wanna go to sleep. Which I was about to do when I saw the flowers," He informed Harry, sitting down on the couch and shaking his head as Harry offered him a mug. "Just say what you have to say."

 

            "I went by your house, last week, but you weren't there. Liam said you'd gone to your mum for a while. I'm sure she appreciated that, having you home," Harry started off, and Louis felt himself growing restless. "So I figured I'd send flowers because I felt... I felt bad. I wanted to talk to you. You were the first person that came to my mind and I just realized a lot of things.

 

            "I was with someone else for a little bit. Not very long but still. Long enough for me to see that I had been so, so wrong. You know, when I said I felt like I was missing out? I wasn't. I had everything I could ever want, but I was blinded by the promises the rest of the world made. So that's what I'm sorry for: not realizing before how wrong I was to break up with you.

 

            "When I said I didn't love you, back then, I lied. I knew I had to, otherwise you'd have never let me go and I know I hurt you, Louis, and I know you most certainly hate me right now, but I just need you to know that I will always regret letting you go. It will be my worse mistake for the rest of my life," He wrapped up and Louis felt numb. He didn't know how he was supposed to feel. All he knew was that he wasn't going to figure it out in a room with Harry.

 

            "Well. Thanks for telling me. I'm going to bed now," He cleared his throat and got to his feet, straightening his shirt. "Don't send anymore flowers. I hate them," he added and turned on his heels, walking out of Harry's room and back to his own.

 

            As he laid in bed, stripped down to his briefs and the curtains drawn to darken the room as much as he could, Louis allowed his mind to really process what had just happened. A lot had, and if he wasn't confused before, he surely was now. He needed to break things down.

 

            First of all, Harry had been with someone else. In the time that Louis had been losing himself, drifting away and unable to reach the shore, Harry had actually gone out and found someone to be with. To hold hands with and to kiss and to have sex with, probably. Not necessarily in that order either.

 

            The mere thought of being intimate with someone else made Louis' stomach turn and his blood curl. At least not so soon, not so early after leaving such an intense relationship. But to Harry, it had been okay. He'd actually done it, and it felt like a slap to the face.

 

            Secondly, he'd lied. Harry had admitted to lying straight to Louis' face. Had claimed he didn't love Louis anymore and that angered him. He was angry at Harry for thinking that was okay, that doing that was somewhat alright. But mostly he was angry at himself for believing said lie. They had made enough promises of forever and just... He'd allowed Harry to destroy all of that in minutes, and did nothing to fight for them. Fight for what he believed in.

 

            Thirdly, Harry said he regretted leaving Louis. claimed it would be the worst mistake he ever made, and if that didn't tug at Louis' heart strings... then nothing else would. He loved Harry; that much was sure, and he never even doubted for a second the love he had for the other boy he had seen blossom into a man. He loved him, and would do anything for him. Hell, he'd help Harry bury a body if he asked. He'd do anything and he trusted him blindly. Which was probably the issue at this point.

 

            On one hand, the thought of taking Harry back into his life, allowing him to be close enough, terrified the shit out of Louis. Harry had left already; he'd broken Louis into millions of little pieces that the man was desperately trying to get back together. He'd come to terms with the fact that it wasn't even a possibility anymore, and had been working toward getting himself back to where he was before he gave Harry too much power over him. He was actually doing pretty good for himself, too. He'd gotten up every single morning and gone to the gym a few times even, made dinner, and got a semblance of routine into place, and he liked it. It was a slow process of course, but he'd learned how to sleep alone at night. A good night sleep too, not just tossing and turning with little bouts of slumber. Actual, seven hours long nights. He was proud of himself for it. He'd also gotten better at cooking, and he kept the house somewhat clean for the maid. He was taking care of himself, and he was getting to a better mental place than where he had been the first couple of weeks, which sounds like a long time but, he had to spend time with his ex every day. Pretend like everything was normal, like nothing had changed. So waking up was always that little bit harder, because when he was asleep was the only time he didn't have to pretend.

 

            On the other hand, he _loves_ Harry. He loves the boy to no end. He loves him like the tide loves the moon. He knows he can live without him, he's proved it to himself in the past couple of weeks. But it's Harry. It's his one love, and he knows that. He knows for a fact he will never find anyone else he loves as much as he loves that boy and his stupid knock knock jokes, and his beautiful green eyes. His hypnotizing smile, and ever growing hair. He loves the scarves he ties up in it when he doesn't feel like washing it. He loves his loud laugh that only Louis seems to be able to get out of him, that bark out that makes Louis' inside all warm. He loves the crinkle by his eyes when he smiles, and the way he gets all silly when he plays with children. He loves seeing Harry with children, and he loves the way Harry touches him when Louis tells him as such. He loves the feeling of Harry undressing him slowly, fingertips dancing over the burning skin, teasing. He loves the press of his lips against his skin, and he relishes in the bite marks he leaves behind. He loves the way Harry knows exactly what to do to drive Louis completely mad, and then over the edge. He loves the way he feels; the way he engulfs Louis into him in such a way that they only make one. He loves the face Harry makes when he reaches his peak, and he loves the way they just clutch to each other after, unable to let go.

 

            Louis fell asleep quickly, too immerged in his thoughts to really check the time at which he finally succumbs to slumber. When he finally wakes, it's dark out, the sliver of light peeking through the panels of curtains long gone. He rolled over, and snatched his phone from the bedside table. The clock says three am, and he groaned loudly. Knowing himself, he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. He sat up for a little bit, before he quietly rolled out of bed, grabbing his duvet and dragging it behind him. He made sure he had his key card before slipping into the corridor and going down a few doors, knocking on it gently. He wrapped the blanket around him as he waited for the door to creak open slowly.

 

            "Hey. I just... Can I come in? I can't sleep," which is an absolute lie seeing as he'd been asleep until two minutes ago. But Harry didn't have to know that.

 

            "Oh, yeah. Yeah, come on in," the boy nodded, stepping aside to let Louis through. Louis walked in and made a beeline to the bed, climbing up and curling himself under the blanket, watching as Harry did the same much more slowly. he waited until he was fully settled before speaking up.

 

            "For the record, I don't hate you. I love you too much," he whispered. And if Harry letting him in wasn't a good enough answer, the smile that broke onto his face confirmed it to Louis.

 

            They would be alright.


End file.
